There’s a pervasive problem we’re facing in the world right now.
As men, we often feel like we have to do it all ourselves, and alone. The whole world sits on our shoulders.
We think we need to push through life with egoic determination, gritting our teeth and pushing through all the obstacles and challenges that arise. In doing this we are creating more tension and pain in our bodies. We often bear the resulting physical and emotional scars with pride, as a sign of masculine accomplishment.
Unfortunately, this way of approaching matters is unsustainable. You might be able to maverick through when you’re a bit younger and in peak condition, but eventually, it’s no longer possible and it all comes crashing down.
The cult of the hero and the idea of a powerful loner looms large in our psyches.
Coming to the realization that you may not be as self-sufficient as you’d like to be is hard.
Our culture puts powerful individuals like Steve Jobs and Elon Musk on a pedestal and no one ever talks as much about their teams. We focus on what their achievements are and what they’re representing — not on the people who sacrificed and overcame heroic challenges that made it possible for them to get there.
Our salary system reflects this myth as well. The person at the top is making disproportionately more than those at the bottom, and we accept this because of the amount of pain and responsibility they’re bearing. We further regard the lone struggles that they endure as being compensated somehow by all their wealth and fame — but at a gut level that doesn’t seem to be accurate.
As spectators, we forget the power of all their teams, partners, coaches, and mentors. It appears that they’re leading the charge alone, and as a result, we believe we have to do it all ourselves.
The problem is, when we feel like we need to do it all alone, we tie our value to our productivity and performance. When things don't go to plan, it can lead to internal pressure — from overwhelm to depression to hopelessness and despair.
Going it alone encourages us to hide our struggles and doubts for fear of appearing inadequate — risking becoming shallow and separate from those who could understand and appreciate our inner challenges the most. This can lead to jealousy and unnecessary mental drama whereas being humble and sharing our challenges with another man can evoke a natural sense of tribal empathy. Your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual stress accumulates exponentially if you don’t viscerally feel in your gut that someone has your back.
Men’s health is directly linked to our ability to relax and regenerate. We may be attracted to intensity and the edge of death, but we have to have a place to let go and recharge, or else we will burn out.
Feminine energy can help, but men’s groups answer a deeper need.
Our intimate relationships are an area where we can find both compassion and support. However, when you’re being too needy and dependent upon them, the sexual polarity and hotness of attraction with your partner can be killed very quickly.
Often, extensive intimacy problems are sourced in not having a masculine culture that supports guys working out their issues in the counsel of men. We have forgotten how to draw upon the feedback, challenge, and support of other men. It’s counterproductive to burden our intimate partner with all our personal doubt and growth pains in intimacy.
The whole idea that you need to be best friends with your intimate partner is actually a misnomer. I think it is quite harmful and it leads to a lot of dissatisfaction on both sides.
What everyone hungers for is a powerful authentic man who has a mission in life. They know where the hell they’re going and they can approach what they’re doing on a daily basis with some intensity and a bit of ballsiness to it. We become inspired when we spend time with men who are fighting the good fight themselves.
There’s a lot at stake. Deeper self-understanding and life-clarity can happen within a supportive group of men, but unfortunately, we haven’t had this modeled much in our culture and we are seeing the results in gun violence, insanely polarized politics, and fewer relationships that people trust. Suicide tragically becomes attractive to men when we feel ostracized from our tribe, and become lost in the distorted internal view of self and world that we perpetuate within our minds.
This is serious stuff. If you know someone who is struggling, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800) 273-8255 is s free 24x7 resource.
Being with others who are having a similar experience to us allows us to naturally feel compassion.
Being around those with similar experiences pulls us out of the spinning judgmental mind and into the power within the center of our hearts. The world is hungry for men to step up into real masculine power — which is the service of a purpose larger than the self. These sound like high ideals, but this is the inner soul-spark that makes men’s lives worth living or worth giving up.
The palpable and genuine edge of fear can be an energizing awakening for the masculine.
With intention and simple structure, it’s possible to create a space for men to meet and build a group of brothers that has your back and who understand what’s at stake in your life challenges. There’s emotional security within a group that’s there to back you up as you live the life as you were called to live. It’s bold, but it’s what you want to see in all the men around you. You want brothers who can call B.S. if you’re not fully speaking your truth and taking action towards what you need to do and experience before you die.
The best way to get there is to jump in and just do it.
If you’re interested in diving deeper into this area, check out my upcoming men’s retreat, Ascending the Sacred Mountain.