“There are moments when one has to choose between living one's own life, fully, entirely, completely - or dragging out some false, shallow, degrading existence that the world in its hypocrisy demands. You have that moment now. Choose!”

―Oscar Wilde

Shallow. Can you think of a worse insult to hurl at a man? Superficial, petty, lightweight, vain, wishy-washy - there are plenty of ways to describe a shallow man, but what is his polar opposite, the man of depth? And why do there seem to be so few of them?

It’s easy to see how smartphones, 24x7 unlimited entertainment options, and instant internet gratification can lead to short attention spans and actions that reflect there’s no value in doing something that doesn’t feel effortless and fun. It’s too easy to quickly gratify hunger with fast food that leaves the body unsatisfied. Porn provides a quick jolt of distracting energy with just a click or a swipe. Tinder and other apps allow people to hook up and have easy intimacy if they wish. However, many people have found that after the thrill of newness wanes, they are soon chasing the next high. Decades can pass by seeking fun and novelty without leaving anything of substance to show for those years.

A man's depth can be felt. A deep man has weight and substance—even a darkness—that conveys he knows where he is headed and won’t be swayed from his direction. Deep men feel into situations and other people, connecting heart with action, not just idle talk. Using their attention and presence, they affect and shift the whole environment around them. Deep men are present in their bodies and trust their inner guidance. Deep men become familiar with fear, distinguishing between survival fears and those fears that must be stepped into to walk the path of their deepest purpose. Deep men have an awareness that death could happen at any time, so they don’t hold back in love or when fighting for what they believe in.

To develop depth, a man must practice choosing his desires and moving forward with action. Sometimes this will manifest results at the moment, but most often, living in alignment with a bigger purpose requires making choices, choices that require saying “No,” choices that may not be the most pleasurable at the moment. We choose how we use the hours and days of our lives and who we share our time with. Choice is one of our greatest freedoms and responsibilities. Shallow men are pulled along with the currents of life and soon find themselves washed up and stranded in some backwater.

I’m a sailor. One of the great joys of sailing is choosing a direction you wish to go, and then engaging with the vicissitudes of wind and sea to reach your desired heading. You can’t just point your vessel where you want to go and hope it will get there. That only works if your destination is directly downwind. You must feel the whole situation: the wind direction, strength, and movement, waves and current in the water, obstacles above and below the surface, and even the depth of the water itself. Learning how to read all this input comes through practice and is an embodied knowing in an experienced captain. The wind is felt on the skin, waves, and current felt in the belly; relaxed eyes feel into the color of the water and can detect depth changes. A captain with skill delights in this dance with nature; even relishing when She challenges and tests him in extreme circumstances. The most cherished sailing stories are of times when conditions were frightening yet were well navigated and in which the captain lived to tell his tale. Wild and untamable She can appear in many forms: lover, spouse, children, family, health, career, finances…

The keel is the deepest, heaviest part of a boat—it keeps the boat upright and prevents it from being blown sideways in even the strongest wind. Depth in a man is the keel in his life. It keeps him upright and returns him to center when hit by a wave or gust of turbulence. A man with depth is self-righting and can’t be pushed over. From the navel down, he is grounded in the gravity of being, dark and unwavering. Deep men can be intelligent, but they are not heady or abstract. Deep men are present in their bodies and access visceral knowledge that shallow men cannot. More importantly, a man’s depth and purpose can turn headwinds into an energizing force that propels him toward where he is pointing his life. He derives joy from forces that would push a lesser man off course or backward.

His relationship to death is the dense ballast that keeps a man’s life in balance. A deep man knows he is buoyed up by life only for a finite time. Ultimately he will sink into the depths and become one with it. While alive, he can enjoy this creative tension between life and death by venturing out to experience the thrills of the open sea. Other men choose to keep their vessels in the harbor where they are safe, but that is not what ships are made for. The joys of life are not experienced in dry dock - that is the worst kind of demise. A man who is fully alive appreciates his awareness of death. It gives him purchase in a world where most others are adrift.

I teach men how to cultivate and embody depth. It begins with each man becoming clear about his greatest purpose in life. A man knows he has found his purpose when his gut-level choices align with it. This purpose gives meaning to his life even when contemplating the inevitability of his death. The company of other men cultivating depth is the best crucible to refine one’s own purpose. Within a group of such men, feedback and challenge burn off how we ignore our deepest desires and calling in life. Using embodiment practices, the mind can be quieted and stilled so that it can be used to serve the deeper purpose of our lives; instead of it being the demanding, spoiled inner child seeking quick release or gratification. I have found that the most challenging and rewarding area to develop a man's depth is in relational practice with others. Love is the power that energizes and attracts us to practice living as deeply as possible. Building from a foundation of personal depth, creating passionate, intimate relationships that continue to deepen in love and chemistry over the years becomes possible. I specifically help men to clarify and master their life purpose and learn tantric practices that reveal the depth of their consciousness.