Authenticity is one of those elusive traits that people strive for, but that many seem unable to reach without stress.
This difficulty in achieving authenticity often comes from a fundamental misunderstanding of what authenticity is; in some ways, it’s a too-broad term that encompasses many other ideas, and it’s difficult to grasp how to become more authentic when the practical embodiment of the word comes from who you already are.
So what is authenticity? What does that mean?
There are numerous synonyms, each with its own connotations adding another facet to the deeper significance of authenticity. For example, genuineness is a full word that evokes a sense of openness and welcoming in your belly. On the other hand, the word originality is a bit of a double-edged sword, because it implies an outward performance of some kind or a competition to be different from others, rather than focusing on that deeper intention of the word, the part which refers to who you uniquely already are.
You can apply this lens of language to so many other synonyms for authenticity: rightfulness, legitimacy, reliability, dependability, trustworthiness, truth, faithfulness, fidelity, authoritativeness, credibility, accuracy, factualness, and the list goes on. Each word, although it bears some resemblance in definition to authenticity, actually means a completely distinctive thing. Feeling into what it takes to embody all of these words evokes a slight emotional tremble in the gut, heart, or throat when we contemplate being the meaning, or if we recall someone wasn’t each of these aspects.
This idea leads us to the heart of the problem: that authenticity is hard to define and even harder to achieve, and sustain.
Authenticity is scary for men.
Men have spent a lot of time doing their best, hoping to succeed, and getting repeatedly rejected. We’re often told we’re “too blunt”, “untrustable”, “only thinking with our genitals”, or not “real enough”, and this stream of contradictory feedback impairs our ability to understand who we are. There’s also a survival fear tied to this experience - a fear of being left outside the tribe - that makes us feel as though we have to follow the pack and that we literally can’t be free to be ourselves.
This “tribe” mentality also gets men in trouble when we sincerely try to fathom who we are. Most men haven't spent enough time with themselves, and are unable to be alone, simply enjoying their own company. As a result, men don’t know who they are or what they truly want from life, other than the typical goals of having fun, partying on the weekend, and having more “stuff” than our neighbors.
Authenticity is tied to the ability to trust the emotions of one’s own heart. It’s common for men to be disconnected from and distrustful of their core emotional center. Most men are afraid of their emotions blowing up and diverting them from where they are headed, or of sabotaging their goals.
In our modern society, men haven't learned the tools they need to understand and appreciate the creative power within their emotions. This inability to understand, appreciate, and tap into emotional power will also manifest as limits and weakness in their interactions at work, with intimate partners and family.
What’s at stake if we cannot be authentic?
If we cannot learn how to be more authentic in our relationships and with ourselves, we will not be able to live full, passionate lives.
A lack of authenticity and a life spent fulfilling the empty, meaningless patterns from our childhood leads to feelings of mediocrity later in life. This can also lead to feelings of depression because we cannot access the things that feel good and that make life worth living.
When left unchecked, inauthenticity pervades every aspect of our life, including our happiest moments, until we no longer feel we have anything to look forward to and nothing to connect us to the world.
The other danger with this slide into thinking we have a mediocre life is that it affects our relationships. We cannot feel satisfied in our relationships if we are not satisfied with ourselves as individuals. Inauthenticity leads to shallowness and superficiality, and a severe lack of true connection to anything - or anyone.
How to be More Authentic
Having learned all of this, how can we move past this phase and become more authentic?
The first step is to realize that authenticity is about coming out of hiding. In order for us to be more authentic, we need to have a container of other men to help show us the strengths we have that we overlook, and love us despite being able to see all of the shortcomings and limits we place upon ourselves.
This support system can help push us from the thinking and talking stage into real, embodied action, and then keep us on the right track of material progress in living the life we want.
We are primates, invisibly connected through the mirror neurons that we all share. Our bodies learn from the bodies around us.
When doing activities in a group, we feel the others doing the same thing themselves, and there is solace in knowing something is possible. This is because we learn best from viscerally doing things, and experiencing them being done by others, rather than by reading about them or watching a video about them.
So if you want to become more authentic and gain the confidence to live from what you truly believe and feel, the path forward is encouraging other men to do that, and demonstrating that you value and accept them exactly where they are now, as they are right now.
If you want help with embodying this, join us for our upcoming Men’s Retreat, Ascending the Sacred Mountain. You’ll learn how to simplify what you must do to live a life of meaning and purpose, discover the power in yourself through claiming it, and be the inspiration for other men to do the same.