There’s been a lot of mainstream interest in the practice of meditation due to the growth of meditation and mindfulness apps and ongoing research showing tangible health benefits from meditation. Meditation affects many areas of life, and it can reshape how we are in relationships. I've discovered a metaphor that can help you understand the benefits of using meditation and mindfulness practice in your own life.
Training your mind is like training a dog
As the famous British animal trainer Barbara Woodhouse said: “There is no such thing as a difficult dog, only an inexperienced owner.”
In this way, human minds are a lot like dogs. They can be magnificently loyal companions and work partners, but they can become annoying, needy, and even dangerous without training and loving discipline.
Undisciplined dogs can tear up your garden and make a mess of the house. These unruly dogs aren't trying to build a loving, calm, and beneficial relationship with you, they are behaving how they are because of past conditioning.
Because they lacked structure and guidance when they were puppies, an indulged and free-reigned puppy can become an uncontrollable and obnoxious dog. It's not their fault. It's due to the obliviousness of the owner, who may be a nice person but who lacked the knowledge and insight needed to raise the pup in a way that allowed its potential to be realized.
Honestly, few canine owners (or pet guardians, as they are called here in Boulder, Colorado) can provide the loving, consistent discipline that will lead to a relaxed, well-trained dog because they haven't experienced this themselves. They don't know how consistent structure can result in more freedom and relaxation for everyone. The happiest dogs that I have been honored to know were well-trained devotional beings. All the love and discipline they experienced resulted in behavior superior to what is seen in many humans. These exemplary canines show what is possible.
An unruly mind can similarly wreak havoc within your brain, body, and subsequently, within your relationships.
Many people only begin meditation and mind training after their mind has already caused problems for themselves or others. When we see an example of a highly-trained mind, one that is peaceful, loyal, and loving, we start to wonder if maybe we can train our minds too. What we see in their example looks much more relaxed and inviting than the mess we’re living within our own minds.
The core principle of meditation
Very few people have well-behaved minds. It’s a skill that is developed through practice and bodily transmission. In other words, repetition and time in practice coupled with being around people who have well-behaved minds. Most people don't even know this is possible since they have not met or spent much time with people with minds like this. So when you do meet someone who is present, deeply relaxed, aware, and spacious, it’s quite an eye-opener.
Meditation, at its heart, begins with stabilizing your awareness on some object of attention. The simplest and most common object is your breath, but other objects like images that evoke emotion, a candle flame, a river, a tree, or clouds in the sky, can work as well. Mind-training is a loving, disciplined way to obtain the devotional surrender of mind to something deeper. Now, you may ask, what is that deeper thing we are surrendering to? That’s one of the most profound spiritual questions: who and what are you really?
The pitfalls and mistakes that can happen in meditation
Mindfulness is an active, open perception of the present moment. Mindfulness involves directly observing one’s thoughts, feelings, and sensations without judging them as good or bad. It strengthens our ability to stay present with whatever is happening without perpetuating reactivity and emotional disconnection.
Mindfulness can be incredibly simple to explain, and you can jump right into guided meditations on Headspace, Calm, YouTube, and many others. However, the results one gets from casual exploration of mindfulness vary greatly. Without individual support, guidance, and context, what is promoted as mindfulness practice can backfire and result in a wide range of undesirable effects, including increased irritation and emotional intensity, depression, sadness, anxiety, panic, traumatic flashbacks, and pain.
In addition, lacking a broader understanding of how meditation changes our perception of self and others, people can end up amplifying their personal biases, making them more selfish and addicted to patterns of thought. That is not what people who meditate are seeking to experience!
Echoes of past trauma can appear during practice, and without support and guidance, can lead to the negative results mentioned. However, with proper supervision and support, meditation can be a vehicle that unwinds trauma and provides a space for healing.
The key factor in these negative results is whether you see yourself as independent and separate from what you see in the world, or if you see yourself as interdependent and connected to others. Guess what? An independent self-construal and worldview are much more predominant here in the USA than in Asia where meditation is more common. This perception of "me", "I", and "my stuff" can be amplified and reinforced with incorrect practice.
Meditating to make yourself feel better, improve yourself, and possibly become an enlightened superhuman—are all about the self, which deep meditation reveals as empty and non-existent. No kidding. This realization is the essence of the heart sutra. It's a profound shift in worldview to experience spacious nothingness where you had always assumed the self was calling all the shots, making decisions, narrating a continuous stream of personal commentary and judgment. Realizing the emptiness of self can be awe-inspiring, bewildering, and disorienting. A teacher who knows this inner landscape, and has experienced many of the pitfalls, is invaluable.
When you meditate from the position of a strong independent self, motivated by self-improvement, seeking to gain a personal performance edge, that strong sense of being separate and independent will lead to bizarre results and problems. Grasping for anything will have an emotional feeling of insufficiency, and actions motivated by this will lead to more suffering. Striving and pushing for change amplifies and empowers the perception of self, leading to more narcissistic results, driven by feelings of inadequacy and shame.
The aim of meditation is a complete acceptance and openness to all situations and emotions. It's a melting and dissolution of our illusion of separateness. Clarity of awareness liberates tremendous energy, which usually is locked up in the process of mental evasion and our avoidant behaviors. It interrupts our habitual emotional reactions and prejudices. Meditation isn’t about introspection, seeking calmness, or the attainment of any mental state. The most profound form of meditation is the complete openness and receptivity of the mind, not unlike a highly polished mirror. What the mind sees is a perfect reflection of reality, without distortion or loss. It adds nothing and takes nothing away.
The ability to rest in this mental open space eludes most people. Being fully present, here and now, without any neediness or personal agenda, is incredibly attractive and inviting. It’s welcoming. If you bring this into your intimate relationship, beautiful and extraordinary things happen.
Applying meditation principles to our intimate relationships
How can we apply this meditation to our relationships when meditative practices don't seem accessible in the heat of the moment? How can we open into relaxed awareness amid the perplexities of life? How can we meditate when we are inundated by the back and forth drama of our lives? And where can you find time to do it?
Meditation practice is a discipline. It requires committing the time to do it regularly to discern our habits and unconscious actions. Our reason for meditating matters a lot. What is your purpose in meditating? Getting clear on what matters most to you, and why you do any action, deepens your consciousness. With meditation, your actions become more intentional. Meditation and solitude amplify our awareness of our purpose in life and permit us to feel the bodily ache when we are not living in alignment with that purpose.
This amplification of intentionality and purpose deepens our masculine presence and power. As the mind empties, there is more room for others, and the pattern of self diminishes in significance. The self becomes more of an artifact or characteristic of being, not the core of us. Because we are doing nothing with the mind, or at least practicing to do so, our patterns of self-criticism, self-judgment, and self-abuse diminish. As our focus on "me" softens, there becomes an opening for others to enter our awareness. There's more space for you to be aware of your intimate partner and what is really going on with them.
Meditation involves non-reactive, compassionate acceptance of what is already happening. It’s an emotional muscle of sorts. Like lifting weights strengthens muscles, meditation strengthens the muscle of acceptance and non-reactivity. You begin to stop believing everything you think. You begin to see what is really going on without your egoic pattern blinding you. This is a powerful psychic ability. When you can see clearly, you can see your intimate partner, and know their deepest truths—because you have done the work in dissolving your own delusions. Your partner has always yearned to be known with such depth and clarity.
Mindfulness can also amplify our awareness of the body, sensations, pleasure, and pain. Deepening our capacity to stay with experiences, even intense physical and emotional ones, transforms reactivity into love. This is a deepening of feminine feeling awareness. It expands our capacity for pleasure and our ability to weather pain. The honoring and accepting of sensations, emotions, and feelings is essential to healing your own heart and soul. It also enables you to understand your feminine partner at a deep level. Unless you can relate to her inner realm, you will be oblivious, and she will feel unseen and unloved.
Unconscious repetition breeds patterns
Each day, we replicate movements, thought patterns, and interactions with others, and in these repeated activities, we’re practicing. Pretty much our entire neurological pattern of being, from how we brush our teeth to what we think about, is established and sustained by repetition. We become our patterns, and we get really good at what we do over and over, although we typically are unaware that we are creating our present and future through doing so.
We do many things unconsciously: we follow feelings that feel good, and instinctively avoid feelings and emotions that we dislike. Most of the time, we become focused on what's happening, filtered through our likes and dislikes. We’re unaware that the momentum of our past thoughts and actions determines what we see. We are creatures of habit, and the patterns that form our perception of self, are forged long ago in the past. Root patterns of emotion and personality are established very early in life, before we understand language or have the capacity to think discursively.
It's these unconscious, dead patterns that cause the most pain and suffering in our intimate relationships. Meditation brings these patterns into awareness where they can be dissolved, and the root emotional source acknowledged and healed.
Using the benefits of meditative practice in your intimate relationship
The first step to bringing the benefits of these practices into your own relationship is to practice the aforementioned free, open consciousness correctly, as a normal part of everyday life. You will need to spend time in meditation practice to do this. Merely wanting, wishing, and yearning won’t change the patterns.
I’d like to share a quote from Dilgo Khyentse that perfectly encapsulates this idea, which I believe applies equally to meditation and to your interactions with your intimate partner. He says, “There should be no need of striving to reach some exalted goal or higher state; this simply produces something conditional or artificial that will act as an obstruction to the free flow of mind. One should never think of oneself as sinful or worthless, but as mentally pure and perfect, lacking nothing.”
Notice that last part: “think of yourself as naturally pure and perfect, lacking nothing.” That’s the fundamental idea of resting in your worth, in your intrinsic value of being alive and deserving of love. It’s a relaxation found at the emotional level of the heart, where you can return inwards towards yourself and see your true nature.
A meditation practice where you dissolve your inner illusions of sinfulness and worthlessness will help you realize true openness, an honest feeling of natural purity. Seeing this in yourself (which is empty anyway!) you will eventually find that you don’t actually need anything from your partner. You can come to a state of wholeness and peace exactly as you are, without requiring additional affirmation of your worth from your partner. Wouldn't you rather be in a relationship with someone happy already and not needy? Then they are with you because they choose to be, and because it makes life even richer and delightfully unpredictable. You can rediscover "newness" even in a long-term relationship that may have previously appeared stale and boring.
Meditation requires a distinct lack of “trying”
There’s one more Dilgo Khyentse quote I’d like to share with you:
“Meditation is always perfect, so there’s no need to correct anything. Since everything that arises is simply the play of mind, there’s no bad meditation sessions, and there’s no need to judge thoughts as good or evil. Therefore, one should not sit down to meditate with various hopes or fears about the outcome. One just does it, with no self-conscious feeling of ‘I am meditating’, and without attempting to control a force of the mind, and without trying to become peaceful.”
Essentially, in order to meditate properly, you need to completely abandon the striving and the effort. Just relax, and allow whatever is naturally present to be present.
You can again apply this to your own life by simply allowing yourself to be in a space with your partner.
There are no bad interactions with a loved one—they’re just interactions. So abandon that judgment and let go of fears and hopes about the outcome of your interaction with them. You will find yourself far more open and available to intimacy with your partner. The unpredictable and unexpected become possible again. We can rediscover newness, and fall in love again if we see what is really going on.
Let go of the drivenness inside you and just be present with your partner. If you find you’re pushing too hard to make something happen, acknowledge this, and then simply relax and rest, but stay engaged and connected. If need be, briefly disengage with your partner and reconnect with your own openness before you resume. This is about taking responsible accountability for your inner state, and becoming a good mind-owner. If you see it wandering where it shouldn't or chewing on something absentmindedly, you correct the mind, lovingly and with gentle firmness, just like in training a dog.
Remember that you don’t have a “bad” mind; you just get wound up in your habits and bewildering thoughts sometimes. There are always ways in which you can come back into a relaxed state of being. Start from this calm, spacious core when interacting with your intimate partner.
If you need help applying any of these principles to your own relationship, feel free to book a call with me here: https://sunyata.info/contact
Enrolment is open now for the 2022 advanced men’s program: Depth—Mining Your Masculine Core. I will be teaching advanced meditation techniques and how to apply these insights into all areas of your life. It begins on January 4th.
For couples, check out Creating a Tantric Consort Relationship. In this program, my wife Karlene and I will show you how to utilize meditation and other tantric practices that take your relationship deeper into love and unbound passion.