Most of us compare ourselves to fictional ideas of what we think great relationships look like. Reality shows take advantage of this and specifically portray elements of relationships that stimulate FOMO. Once this anxiety is stirred, we are compelled to establish relationship goals on fears of missing out on something we believe others are getting. Once this takes root, we can become like an addict perpetually chasing a high.

This is not a conscious decision; it stems from a lack of strong role models and healthy communities from which we can learn our true untapped potential within intimacy.

When we make comparisons, our inner motivation for intimacy arises – primarily out of FOMO. This fear of missing out is a disconnection and a sense of moving away from our center. FOMO turns your heart inside out and reverses the flow of life.

Having a great sex life, compared to not having a great one, is an externally facing perspective.

The idea of having a great sex life lacks the wisdom of knowing that the quality of what one experiences is subjective, and only has meaning to you. What the rest of the world seems to be having and doing doesn’t define you or your potential. We know this at some level deep within ourselves, but this is also what we get tripped up upon.

When we get stuck in this fear of missing out, it never ends. Once you get started, it’s like the worst part of those high school comparisons on steroids. We can’t even see that we’re making ourselves miserable, but those around us can. In fact, a lot of marketing, advertising, and social media build off of this. There’s an emotional juice to FOMO, and that’s what causes people to stay on a Facebook page or Instagram post and read a little longer. It stirs up something in our gut and heart.

There’s a big gap between trying and doing, but there’s an even more significant gap between trying and being.

Deep sex and intimacy arise from the level of naked being. Trying is the tangible fall from grace, as trying implies insufficiency from the start. Through doing, exploring, gifting and receiving, learning and releasing, and not trying, we can start to move the ball down the field. We progress.

Effort spent trying to be something other than what you are inevitably leads to regret, exhaustion, and resentment. We don’t know what we want or what’s possible. We’re often just forming our opinions from the outside without examining inside.

I see this a lot in people who are spinning and churning through life after FOMO kicks in. What do they actually want? Often, they default to what they’ve seen online or what they've heard other people talk about. But this chasing of what they think is possible isn’t actually reflected internally in their heart and actions.

What people need to ask themselves is, “What is rising inside of me that makes me hungry and interested?”

Opening up to what’s possible

Until you’ve actually spent time with, and gotten to know, couples who are genuinely happy and yet are challenged continuously by their intimacy, you won’t believe what’s possible. I know long-term partners who are madly in love, and they still don’t completely know their partner. They’re still discovering, so they’re repeatedly amazed at what happens when they show up with an open mind.

This is a very different experience than comparing some preconceived notion of what things are supposed to look like, and then feeling disappointed because we believe we’re not experiencing what we should be getting, or what we wanted.

What’s at stake?

The foremost concern for a lot of people regarding this issue is infidelity. It is natural to feel cravings for energy and passion when our relationships go flat. If you feel that you can’t create deep, exciting, whirlwind intimacy, or obtain it from your partner within your relationship, then you start fantasizing or wandering outside. Again, this often goes back to not knowing what’s possible, having the relationship tools, or seeing anything modeled that could help us through this particular impasse.

As a result, people are giving up on what they most want in life and settling for less. We don’t have the energy to go after it anymore. But we also don’t want to die while we’re still wondering about what deep intimacy could be like. These are things we can’t put off indefinitely; there’s a tragic loss of life energy in these relationships that go stale. We will miss out on vital life energy that could move us through work, family, and give us the energy to navigate crises.

If you don’t feel you’re connected with something meaningful and valuable, then a malaise and depression set in, and you struggle to deal with other issues that come up in life outside of the relationship. There’s a looming horror about dying and not feeling that you’re fully known or that you’ve given your deepest gifts in this world.

We pass our limitations and lack of fulfillment on to our children

Another thing that’s at stake here is our children and their futures. If you are not modeling a healthy, sexually-vibrant relationship at home, then your children are most likely going to repeat and experience the same limitations.

If we’re not brave enough to liberate our kinks and explore the depths of edgy surrender with our intimate partners, we’re modeling fear and mediocrity for our children.

Finding a role model who can show you the path

It helps to find someone living that full, vibrant intimacy who is actually happy, sustained, and challenged in their marriage or partnership. A guide, who can describe what’s possible and demonstrate it, can confirm the intuition you’ve had in your heart, body, and soul about what is feasible. Someone who’s actually been through this and has practiced living it, and someone you can trust to hear about your unique situation and challenges. Once you’ve found them, spend time getting to know them as an ordinary person.

You’ll soon realize that anyone can bloom in this area of life. What it costs you is your self-position, and a lot of your deep-held ideas that will pretty much vanish with you. But my question is, why let these empty patterns hold you back from what you want most?

When you engage with someone who is already living the most enlightened and vibrant version of their intimacy, you learn how to access the intelligence of the body, the intelligent heart, where our emotional vulnerability and reactivity arise. That’s actually where the potential for your most profound intimacy and physical pleasure are accessed.

When it comes to the area of emotional reactivity, working with the fears and hopes and desires that arise in both the body and emotions, there are some people that model this from a place where you can actually learn mastery.

Sex can be a biological release, a conquest, a shared exploration of pleasure, or a path of life, liberation, and spiritual realization. Still, to access all of these results, you must invest time and research, and actual practice into deepening your intimacy — particularly in your sexual skills. You don’t get it just from reading articles.

Few humans actually know the depths of pleasure, love, and soul-deep knowing that’s possible through the yoga of sexual intimacy. It’s an art.

Often, those with some of the healthiest and deepest intimate relationships had it modeled in their home of origin. If you didn’t, you’re not alone. But it also doesn’t mean you are doomed to repeat the patterns you grew up with. You can discover what your body and heart are actually capable of under the guidance of a teacher.

I invite you to join my wife and me in our upcoming programs and through private coaching. Along with other couples, you’ll learn how to transform your intimate relationship and sexuality into a vehicle for spiritual awakening and liberation. You’ll learn how to create a devoted alliance with your lover, and discover how vast embodied love can be.