On my business card these are some of the services I offer: Learn how to thrive in intense life and work situations instead of collapsing or retreating, and learn how to confidently navigate major life changes of divorce, death, and disability.
Those who want to achieve real-life mastery must train in all the three realms of consciousness, emotions, and body.
I want to talk specifically about the area of emotional reactivity, and the most challenging and rewarding place to practice developing personal mastery is within your intimate relationship.
Our partner doesn’t always share our reality
Let’s admit it. There are times when we do, frankly, hate our intimate partners. When they push one of our buttons, they’re revealing something about us. When we get triggered emotionally, it feels to us like they are the source of this forceful energy, spontaneously arising in response to something we did or said. It might be something innocuous, just a word said in passing, or it could be something bigger that’s ongoing and chronic in your relationship.
Regardless of what they are actually responding to, in these moments, we may feel incredulous that our partner can’t see things the way we see them.
It’s hard to accept that your partner doesn’t share your reality. You take your view of reality for granted; it is your self-position, it’s how you navigate through the world, and it’s how you are oriented toward life. It’s so natural and obvious to us that we often just skip by it in arguments without feeling the need to explain it.
Think of a moment when you felt you articulated yourself so clearly, but from your partner’s response, you realized just how far apart you were in that moment. There appears to be an emotional goal, physically and intellectually, which is the chasm that love is supposed to bridge in these moments.
From a tantric perspective, this chasm of misunderstanding is an opportunity to play and learn. The seriousness and reactivity are caused by the hidden roles and perspectives we unconsciously assume. It’s our minds that are creating an appearance of separation. And minds are notoriously fickle and defensive.
Don’t play the blame game
You know the situation, the feeling of abject loneliness when you’re with the person you thought knew you better than anyone, but who now appears to have gone over to the dark side with their opinions and worldview.
In the world today, polarized viewpoints usually result in conflict, disgust, and apathy, instead of seeing the creative potential in all that energy. If we unskillfully blurt out what we’re thinking or repeat an argument pattern from the past, we’re merely reinforcing our stuckness and separation. We end up blaming our partners when they’re the very person who can set us free from our isolation and estrangement.
This type of chronic pattern is the leading cause of divorce and relationship breakdown. People think, if I can’t get what I need from you, I’ll go somewhere else and find it. The dark underbelly of this is the “I” mentality, the position of “I’m winning” or “I’m losing” or “I’m right” or “they’re wrong”. This is ultimately the source of most of our suffering (which is self-imposed, by the way).
Realizing freedom as free awareness
In tantra, this kind of conflict between different parties is not a problem. Tantrically, your partner is your mirror. Your conflict and your disgust actually have some creative potential within it, if you could realize the gift there.
Now, disgust and hatred in intimate relationships can potentially be very powerful if it’s run through the fusion reactor of love, surrendering our egoic positionalities for the sake of deeper freedom. This is not freedom because or freedom from, but freedom as. We are realizing freedom as free awareness that does not have to cling to or defend anything.
Controlling energy released in intense situations
There has to be a controlled release of energy when these two polarities are close together and are held safely in their own nature. First and foremost, the best way to navigate this is to use fewer words. When feeling attacked or unheard is usually when we speed up and we try to fill the space with even more explanations and reasons why we see things a certain way. This can easily escalate to where we end up shouting over each other.
The discipline of fewer words shifts communication to the body and decreases the striving to connect through mind and ideas. Your facial and body communication abilities vastly exceed the information you can share through words. By not rushing to counter each thing they say with your own retort, you demonstrate your appreciation for differences.
Active, actual listening is communicated bodily. It’s easy to tell if someone is just thinking about what they’re going to say next, regardless of what you say. A racing mind, seeking to establish difference, correctness, or superiority, is a closed, inwardly turned mind.
Somewhere beyond this oppressive and heavy situation, there’s a realm of freedom that we know exists - we’ve tasted it, and we want more of it. You’ve got incredible opportunities - albeit brief - to respond how you want to. You can claim your own freedom to be okay and safe no matter what anyone thinks or says. This is an inside game of freedom that I know very few people play. The reason why people feel fearful of differences is often that they don’t feel stable and in touch with the core of their own being.
So how can you be so deep in your freedom and your compassion that it inspires others to see your point of view? It isn’t about the words - the key to this comes by communicating through your actions, consistently, over time. Your personal connection to your core being doesn’t wax and wane according to people’s opinions, and it doesn’t require approval the same way that our words do. Speech requires acknowledgment and assent - it is a relational exchange.
There’s a deeper knowledge of the truth of who you are that lies beyond words, and it is always present within the body.
Embody your inspiration
Pump up the emotional energy you feel within conflict or misunderstanding and locate it within the sensations in your body.
Instead of jumping into talking, channel the energy into demonstrating relaxation in your breath and body. When you feel a rising surge of anger or antagonization, the body responds very quickly. The first reaction for most people is that their breath stops - you’ll see their jaw contract and their belly and chest tense.
Notice this instinctual pattern of reacting, without judging or shaming. See if you can move that intense sensation and energy from the place where it is spiking in tension.
If this energy is stuck in a static location, you can invite it into movement, and express it in ways that break up your habitual patterns of reactivity, bickering, and trying to change someone’s mind. When emotionally triggered, we lose much of our capacity for rational thought, and our nervous system swirls in chemicals that prime us for a survival response.
Survival responses are necessary when being attacked by a wild animal, or when in war, but when you are having dinner or just experiencing differing views than your lover, such a full-tilt nervous system response only tends to reinforce our old habits and suffering.
Hijack your historical pattern of fighting and judgment by taking on a shape or an emotional persona of something or someone else. Act this out instead of adding more words.
Usually, almost anything other than your go-to arguments or emotional positions will be enough to disrupt your mental habits in conflict and create a tiny gap for you to connect with your body and the swirling emotions inside. Instead of talking or shouting what you feel and want them to know, embody that shape. Connect with your heart. Affirm your purpose is to communicate love.
Growl. Make animal noises. Stomp around like Big Bird.
Punch pillows.
Loudly bite into an apple and show how good it tastes. Twerk your anger.
Silently pantomime whatever vicious retort you were about to hurl at them. Become the shape of what you feel, and let go of speaking until the stuck energy is moving, and your body isn’t tense and frozen.
These actions may seem crazy — they are.
This is a taste of tantric crazy-wisdom. You can express the darkness and intensity you feel, with humor and love. Use the intensity of the situation to transcend differences and separation. The wisdom behind the body-centered practice of modeling emotions communicates something much deeper than a desire to be right, or even to be heard.
They may absolutely drive you crazy in many areas of life, but so what!? This is normal!
If you have a sexually polarized relationship, differences of all kinds are what fuel attraction. The bridge to freedom under any circumstance involves being rooted in love. A love that is beneath and enfolding all apparent differences.
Over time, you find more freedom in this practice. There’s liberation in embodying something that is not intuitive or natural for you, but that inspires you and, ironically, makes you feel more authentically alive. You are not your collection of old, dead patterns that are keeping you stuck. The key here is that you’re actively and consciously responding to your partner, you are staying in relationship, through thick and thin… even through crazy.
You can look for pathways to move this energy from being stuck in our bodies and minds and bring it back into playful circulation and exchange. Then, even when you hate or feel disgusted by the other person or their views, you can remember your love for them and embody the emotional response you want to communicate.
Artful bodily communication transcends empty patterns of conflict and offers the possibility of something new and unexpected to come through.
If you’re interested in trying this out yourself, but don’t know where to begin, I invite you to join me and my wife for our upcoming online course, Creating a Tantric Consort Relationship: An 8-month Program for Couples. For more information, visit my webpage here:
https://sunyata.info/work-with-me/2022/creating-a-tantric-consort-relationship