Reactivity eats up our freedom.

It turns us into easily-manipulated, unconscious anger-balls.

It breaks the flow and continuity of life, of being able to work and experience things jointly with others.

It’s a cry and demand for attention and understanding.

It makes it all about the person who is reacting, which makes sense because, at its root, reactivity is a protective mechanism triggered when someone feels threatened.

One of the ways you can tell a man is susceptible to reactive states is when they’re daydreaming or frequently become lost in thought. The cascade of events that leads to someone becoming lost in thought can be triggered by something that stirs memories of past reactive states.

Coming up with a response to the situation might feel untenable at the moment, so men decide instead to check out of the conversation—or even leave entirely—to do or think about something else. They either check out and get lost within their own thoughts, or they grasp around for a more pleasurable distraction, like checking the sports scores.

The problem is, these reactive states sabotage our autonomy and independence. And for a lot of men, this is a persistent inner form of self-sabotage. When we are reactive, there’s a subsequent loss of freedom that is felt throughout the multiple strands of our lives.