Bodies cannot forget the deepest intimate experience they have had. Peak experiences leave a deep neurological memory in mind, heart, and body.
Within immersive sexual experiences there is a sense of being out of control that allows us to lose our judgemental, socially-normative public persona. What we want in intimacy is radically more than what we have every day - we yearn for something that is real, that shocks us and rips us open.
Core to all sexual yoga work is that there is a bit of sexual karma that we want to experience and unwind－there's a hunger and a craving that each of us has that is unique.
For women, in particular, they hold intrinsic knowledge that their bodies have a hell of a lot of pleasure capacity if they could just find the key to get it open and fan this glowing spark into a flame. Once they have had a peak pleasure experience, they find it hard to not compare future experiences to their deepest body memories.
So, with this all in mind, I’d like to touch on some ways how you can become the person your partner fantasizes about.
Desire is paramount
So what actions can you take to set this up, so that you become seared into her brain, her body, and her heart?
The first and foremost thing is your stability of presence. There’s a mommy-pleasing nice guy energy that many of us have, which isn’t as hot and attractive as a devil-may-care man who knows what he wants. And in women’s fantasies, you always want her. You want to demonstrate and cherish that she is a dark and wild thing. You see her, not necessarily as just her surface presentation, but also as the darker desire underneath. Invoke it, and invite it to come out and play.
Now, this does require the owning of your darker sexual desires. We have to be able to look at our shadow sides, where there are often gifts lying in wait, and acknowledge that we have this hunger, and this craving.
Let your fantasies and desires include your partner. Women want to feel like you desire them on that deeper primal level, so don’t hide it away.
2. Be unpredictable, and bring newness
You want to envelop your partner emotionally and thoroughly, using your eyes, breath, and awareness. Develop the skill of having nothing else in your mind other than her.
It’s an inner practice that affects everything, and it is one of the reasons why I am such a big advocate for meditation. I think it is paramount to deep, long-term, sustained sexual polarity in a relationship.
Man has to learn how to shut off his mind or allow it to become empty--inviting her light, body, and emotions into that space. Let your spacious awareness become an echo chamber for everything that’s going on inside of her. That state is unpredictable: she doesn’t know where it’s going to go, and that’s exciting to her. You can learn to look at her with new eyes, every time you see her.
3. Danger
Another key piece of keeping things fun is making use of danger and new sensations in your intimacy. Of course, this can manifest through the use of toys, restraints, cosplay, and sexy attire, which are fun. But other things like new, slightly dangerous locations, perhaps even within your own house, can bring some liberation into your sex life.
Leading her into a bit of danger or risk, and feeling her surrender to your guidance, is the mechanism that can transport both of you into an entertaining sexual arena where all stresses of life can just fall away.
Acknowledge the inner animal nature of lust. Between two partners, the sensations can crank up way past nice and soft, past the safety of familiarity, even into areas that might leave your body slightly bruised for a few days. But it has to be done with awareness and heart-connected sensitivity.
Often, a moment becomes erotic when the mind can’t track or predict what will come next. We feel safe just enough so that we can let go, and possibly scream as the rollercoaster pushes over the top--and falls.
4. Share and encourage erotic fantasy
If you’ve been together for a while, hopefully you know some of their fantasies already.
If they don’t share this directly, then notice how their body responds to other people and things when they’re out in public. Notice where their eyes go, when they smile. Instead of getting jealous, praise your partner’s intrinsic sexual taste palette.
Become the person who understands her nonverbal communication better than anyone else. Praise your partner’s erotic proclivities and fan the flame and embers of it to keep it perpetually smoldering. Watch how your partner responds to sexual content such as Netflix’s Sex/Life series. Watch how their breath shifts in sync with their interest. It can be hot to see your partner responding to certain things that they can’t hide -- it’s just their natural response, whether innocent or kinky. Then you can catch her rising wave of arousal, and ride it into building more erotic tension between both of you.
Become an expert at tracking her emotions, during both turned-on and turned-off states, without judging them. She is always communicating herself through facial expressions, her eyes, mouth, and hands. Are her legs open, touching something, or tightly crossed? Is she moving? Where in her body?
You need to become attuned to each of those individual signals - they are all expressions of her true nature.
On triggers, edges, and healing
If you’re playing within this realm, you’re going to bump up against a trigger that shuts your partner’s erotic flow state down. There’s no way around it, you’re going to make mistakes.
Sometimes you’ll touch upon some past trauma, and it’s in those critical moments where the real gift may appear. These past triggers historically result in a loss of love, an “end of play” -- game over at that point. I’m telling you, don’t let that happen! Slow down, stop, and stay present with your partner. It’s not a problem unless you react and make it one.
The purpose of this practice is to demonstrate that everything she’s feeling and experiencing is okay. Just hold the space of love for her to fall into. It doesn’t have to stay erotic at that point -- just stay with her. Being able to shift from that place of erotic persistence to the soft embrace of trust and love will lay the foundation for future places you can go. She can’t accept your dark and erotic side if she also thinks you’re needy and grabby and you’re going to be easily disappointed.
So accept any emotional effort to withdraw as part of her teasing test of your stability and depth. It’s about demonstrating the depth of your love, your lust, your claim of her heart and of her body.
Seductive persistence, without neediness, brought for her pleasure and release, is hot and virtually irresistible.